My things are here....

So my things finally arrived. Mixture of mad and depressed and "omg what have I done?" made me decide that I will be sitting back and watching the guys move. But it turned out not the case. Later I wondered, what will happen when I am an old lady and I am moving? Am I still going to be helping with this hard labour or am I just going to be consumed by my own guilt of not doing so?

Well it is not like I moved big boxes up and down - I just moved a couple very small boxes, but it was in the rain. That's how I am, I just can't sit back and enjoy the money spent on the movers - my solidarity meter starts blaring. Also my take-care-of-the-world-because-you-are-a-woman instincts kick in and so I am like buying him fruit juice and dinner for the mover too. :)

But in retrospect, it was fun. Instead of just sitting there in the apartment I got to chat with someone. And also it turned out to be the same Québecois guy who I tool a semi trip with, so I got to practice my French too.

Anyway, I am thinking I should give this guy a tip of atleast $50, perhaps even $100. And then we went to Stephos to eat, and we were chatting, and at some point he says to me, that he 'cleans' 60k a year. And now because my leg of lamb almost shot through my nose, I collected myself and thinking maybe I don't really understand what a 'clean' means, I ask him if it is before or after tax and he says 'after'... and I slowly rolled my $100 bill away and decided to put it back, in *my* bank account, not his!

PS. I did pay for the dinner though! :)

Hope...

Yesterday, for the second time, my movers called in to say that they will not be able to come, this time the excuse was an accident, last time it was a blizzard in Calgary. Surprisingly I was only mildly irritated. And this made me think 'what is happening to me? I am usually very much affected by these things and walk around fuming away. Am I just beginning to be complacent, which is actually a sign of depression?'. But later, I will come to realize, there is no other way to go through my life at this point. On the one hand, the condo has not sold yet, on the other hand I didn't get the fellowship, on the (yet) other hand I have to pay this current place a little extra for the extra days, on the (yet) other hand, I have just a lot to do do at work having offered two simultaneous projects (which I want to do anyway, if I want to see some results out of my two years here)... and all this, while I am in a new city... And my personality is such that I project a happy-self, despite.

The only way to not go insane through all this is to pretend like they are not happening... and that is in a way, one of the in-built human coping mechanisms...

I remember listening to this radio program about some dirt poor country in Africa and this reporter was interviewing them and they were just so full of laughter and teasing each other and all. The Canadian reporter asked, 'how can you laugh with all this misery around you' to which one of them replied, 'it is the only way to we can cope with it'. Not to say my sufferings are anywhere near theirs, in a global scale. But for my little self, it is indeed overwhelming...

I would like to have my mom here... or a nice sister... someone who is out of it, but can ease the burden a little bit, not so much by talking and saying that everything will be ok, because it will not just be ok like that, but maybe by holding me, or just being around...

But I do know, that eventually the condo will sell, eventually I will master my work, eventually the movers will come and eventually I will get over my fellowship... Hope is always a good thing...

And then yesterday, my housemate (yes, the crazy one) was sick (he slept in all day - I didn't even see him till like 5pm). I had to get food to eat, so I went to buy something - I bought him a stew and crème brûlée. He was just lying on the couch, eating it all and after, as I was cleaning away the dishes he said 'this is just the perfect day, I stayed in all day and ate comfort food, thank you'... it did boost me up a little bit... Somethings are still going right and normal in my life...